“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” -Matthew 7:9-11
When I found out I was going to be a father, it was early in our marriage and I was terrified to say the least. This wasn’t part of the immediate plan….what about money…time…..work….ME. Things didn’t fit the plan that I had….as much as I would have hated to admit it at the time, one of the reasons I felt the world was collapsing in on us was actually because this new addition to our new and little family was not part of what I thought was good for us. It didn’t fit MY plan.
Throughout the pregnancy, God used some amazing people and moments to shape my heart. It wasn’t before long that I had tears of joy when thinking of the little one that was going to be joining us. It didn’t happen at all once, and it wasn’t a single remedy. God used this pregnancy to disclose with me what his heart for us was, and to illuminate how afraid I truly was to trust him fully with my life.
I was willing to go on adventures with God, travel to the other side of the world, take risks, give it all up for him…..as long as it made sense to me. This didn’t….and I soon found out, neither did my faith. It was hollow. I realized that to be the man God was calling me to be, I had to actually trust that he is a good Father to me first. That he does know what he is doing, that He is there….really. Not in some philosophical way…..not in an idea….but in a tangible reality. I had to trust that he loved us and would be glorified through our choice to follow. And most importantly I had to learn that in order for me to lead my family, I had to learn to serve by emulating the true heart of the Father.
Before we knew it, our Olivia Saya was here. God teaches us about his heart and about ourselves daily through our little girl. I cannot imagine my life without her. I love being a husband, and a father. The more I learn and grow as a father and husband, the more I see how intimate and scandalous God’s love is for us. He is the good Father, and trusting him comes with a risk of losing control….it’s at those moments that I feel Him the closest. Both tender yet carrying authority….loving and strong….providing and defending….like all Fathers should aspire to be.