On January 11, 2015, Jesus became real to me.
My whole life I’ve struggled with doubting my salvation. Ive said the prayer and gotten baptized 3 times. A few months after that, I would still feel like something was missing… no, something wasn’t right. In my later teen and college years I would try to talk to people about the fear of not knowing if I was saved and they would tell me the whole “Once saved always saved” or something of the sort. Those conversations would quiet my doubts for a few weeks, but they would always come back.
The last 5 years or so, I’ve just kept it to myself, always wanting to figure it out, but scared to death as well.
It’s scary.
I’ve been in church my whole life.
I’m the pastors daughter, the sunday school teacher, the girls ministry leader, and Bible college graduate. I’m supposed to know Jesus. Honestly, I think I was lying to myself all of those years. I’ve thought maybe if I just did this or that, maybe this feeling of doubt would go away or if I just prayed more or read this Christian book, something would help. Nothing ever helped. I just stuffed this doubt inside of me because it’s too scary to face, never knowing if I died all of a sudden that I didn’t know where I would go.
In the last six months, my fiancé and I had been talking a lot about marriage and it led to a lot of hard conversations. I knew he saw that there was something “off” in me. He always wants to see me be ambitious and passionate about Jesus and expanding God’s kingdom. I want that too.
Again, after these conversations, I would just think I’m going to read my Bible more! I’m going to try and figure out what I’m passionate about and that will help and I’ll be all better.
But I was wrong. I’ve been missing Jesus.
On January 11, I was sitting in church and I just felt the Spirit moving in me. My pastor was preaching on when Jesus turned water into wine. He kept saying that Jesus was taking something simple and polluted and making it extraordinary.
I knew that I needed to make that transition from simple and polluted to extraordinary. That can only be done with Jesus.
In that invitation, my pastor said “I need Jesus” over and over and it all just clicked. Something inside of me was saying thats me! That’s what I’m missing! I need Jesus! I was so scared. I just prayed I would have the courage to raise my hand during the invitation. And I did. I prayed and asked Jesus to be my Savior that day.
Today, I’ve never been more aware of my need for Him. I’m the girl that says all the right things, does all the right things, but without Jesus, it’s all been for nothing. Not anymore. No more doubt. No more worrying. I’m not that girl anymore.
I am a daughter of the King.
I’m BeLoved.
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